Greetings Holiday Friends! It's that time of year again. Time for those fun little Christmas Surveys that you receive fifteen times a day ad nauseum, giving you loads of opportunities to tell people how thankful you are and how much you love spending quality time with family and caroling and baking cookies. Bollocks I say! Bollocks! I love the season as much as everyone else, but I don't have to justify it via idiotic questionnaire. Give those little survey monkeys a real piece of your mind! Below, dear friends, I've provided the sample du jour vis a vis the whole survey fiasco. Oh yes, kiddies -- an excellent way to give your friends a little more information about your holiday season whilst still waxing creative at work and hopefully ending the questions for a few days. Enjoy!

WOULD YOU RATHER...

1. Get kissed under the mistletoe or in the snow?
If it's by a snowman, then I think the snow would be more practical. If it's a mistletoe man, then the mistletoe.

2. Santa or Rudolph?
I'm not terribly sure that Rudolph has ever brought me a present…

3. Stocking or presents?
Stalking until someone notices my presence.

4. Egg nog or hot cider?
Egg Cider. HAHAHAHAHA, ewwwwwwwwww!

5. Angel or star?
I can answer this one: an angel. That way, out of 360 degrees, you stand like a 340 degree chance of the angel refusing to make eye contact with you and possibly even facing away from you. I think it's an important lesson about life.

6. Decorating the tree, or putting lights on the outside?
The outside of the tree?! What are you going to do, put lights on the INSIDE of the tree? Hey, I found a use for that Dremel the husband has been wanting!

7. Warm cozy fires or sleigh rides?
I like to ride around in a sleigh that's on fire. Especially if I can scream, "OH DEAR GOD, THE HUMANITY!" with my hair on fire.

8. Family time or friend time?
It depends on how much alcohol you want to consume. With family time, you'd better start early!

9. Expensive presents or presents that come from the heart?
Someone's heart would probably be pretty expensive. Especially on the black market.

10. Snowball fight or snowman?
Generally a snowman fight is more entertaining being that they have arms. They often flank from the sides. Snowballs just kind of lay there and really lack strategy in their attacks.

11.Coal or present?
What the hell kind of question is this? I don't even really need to say anything clever about this, now do I? I mean maybe if you went to the Kingsford Home for the Mentally Deranged you might get a big run on the coal…

12. Open presents quick or slow?
Is this a question? Or an instruction. When do we get to "insert tab A in slot B?" Where's my Allen wrench? Crap, I'm totally unprepared!

13. Diamonds or rubies?
Ohhhh, now I see what the coal was for! Dammit, can I go back to # 11?

14. Caroling or Christmas stories?
Sing me the Christmas stories! In E flat! All in one breath! TwasthenightbeforeChristmas
whenallthroughthehousenotacreaturewasstirringnotevenamousethestockingswerehungby
thechimneywithcareinhopesthatSt.Nicholassoonwouldbethere…*whump*

"Teacher! My caroler is dead!"

15. Snowy days or ice days?
Ice days? Hooray! Let's fight to the death with icicles on thin sheets of semi-frozen lake!

16.Red or Green?
If you mix them, you get Grendene! It's like grenadine, but it doesn't taste good, and it looks like the business end of a sick puppy!

17. Frosty the Snowman or Rudolph?
You're really pushing this Rudolph issue aren't you? Fine. Rudolph. Happy? If I don't say Rudolph the next question will probably be like, "Rudolph or a box of rocks?"

18. Snow or No?
sNOw. Figure that out.

QUESTIONS

1. Best Christmas present received?
For me, or ever in the universe? Because I don't know the answer to that. I'll bet at some point some Neanderthal got a dead brontosaurus or something. That's pretty damn cool.

2. What’s the number one thing you want for Christmas?
Whirled Peas.

3. Have you ever been kissed under the mistletoe?
Well, it's not going to happen now; I dissed the mistletoe man for the snowman.

4. Age you stopped believing in Santa Claus?
Hahaha, yeah right. I'm not falling for that. Then he won't bring me anything, and I'll have to ask Rudolph.

5. Do you send thank you notes?
Would YOU want to hear from me in any way when you're trying to enjoy your holiday?

6. Do you wake your parent up early to open presents?
Apparently, based on this question, you get to choose only one parent. An observation that I made as a child: When I was up and doing something, my mom was generally not far behind… and usually with a fire extinguisher.

7. Do you wake up in the middle of the night to see if Santa came?
I like to respect his privacy as a celebrity.

8. Do you spend Christmas with your family?
Surprisingly, they have yet to up and move without telling me.

9. Do you count down until Christmas?
That makes it sound kind of like a missile launch. Or maybe a "mistle" launch. Bwahaahahahaahaha.

10. Do you leave cookies & milk out on Christmas Eve night?
I've never understood why Santa would be grateful for a nice case of botulism. Here, great gift giver ordained by Baby Jesus, have some room temperature milk.

11. Do you decorate your house?
I have to. I tried to hire elves last year. They did a good job up to about two and a half feet. It was breathtaking, if you're a neighborhood cat or if you had spent Christmas lying on your stomach in the snow.

12. Do you get stressed out from Christmas?
If my previous answers don't give you some indication of my mental state then I really don't feel compelled to begin a detailed explanation now.